Give My Heart a Break

Well. I thought I would do an update on my heart. I still miss Cody everyday. I seriously think about him all the time. I want to learn to let go of him and move on but its really hard for me. Harder than anyone would think. I haven't talked to him in over a month. I texted him and asked him somethings about our relationship but he just texted back and freaked out on my and saying all these horrible things about me. I don't know or understand why all my relationships end up like this, but its clearly all my fault. When I see that hes online on facebook my heart skips a beat and then I realize its all over between us and makes me want to cry. It takes almost everything I have to not text him or call him sometimes but it  is for the best. I am tired of caring for someone who doesn't care about me back. Its just hurtful.

I thought I would give a run down of everything that has happened with my heart since I got to college. Here goes. The boy I mentioned before, who I met at orientation, him and his girlfriend broke up again right before school and we were talking and hanging out a lot when we got here. It really seemed like he might like me and out of the depths of my sorrows and pain I thought I had started to like him too. We spent a lot of time together and I thought we were gonna be friends for a long time. I had told him so much of what happened to me and what  I had been through and he was going through the same thing and it just seemed like we clicked you know? But I guess I wasn't paying much attention because as things went along he just kept getting shadier and shadier till one day he just quit talking to me and we never talked again. Imagine what it was like for me to just be dumped and then get my hopes up and get dumped, in a way, again. WOW. What a d bag. Like really. All he did was lead me on to drop me for the next bitch walking down the road. I see him from time to time and get this, I see him hanging out with his ex girlfriend all the time, HA. After he talked so much shit about her and saying how shes psycho and stupid and how he hates her and then he takes her back? You re cool bro. No, really. Hahhaha. You are such a tool for talking so much shit about her and then taking her back like nothing happened. I hope it works out for them, I'm not a mean person. No one deserves heartbreak and if they are meant to be, they will be!

After he quit talking to me, I really started focusing on my classes and hanging out with my roommate and her friends. That is until I met a new boy, Kellen. I met Kellen in my biology class. I came in and had skipped the class before, and I needed the notes from someone. I turned to the boy next to me and asked for his notes. Little did I know that we would become such good friends!! We have the same major so we help each other with our homework and studying. Its nice to have a study buddy. Things kind of changed a few Fridays ago though. We went out drinking and when we got back he confessed his love to me!! He told me he liked me a lot and was hoping one day we could be more than friends. The worst part is the next day he couldn't remember what he said and I could. It didn't make things awkward though. I don't let things ruin my relationships with people like that. But he wants more from me and I just don't think I can. I don't think I'm ready for another relationship. Plus, it wouldn't be fair to him because I cant fully give my heart to him because I am still not over Cody. I guess we will see what happens. That's pretty much my update!:)

sigh

Well this boy I met at orientation I started talking to. Turns out his girlfriend had just broken up with him too. We started  talking and stuff like all day everyday and were skyping each other and stuff. He told me he liked me a lot and I liked him too. Well I texted him today because he hadn't texted me all day. This is what he sends back like two hours later "Hows it going I talked it out with my girl things are better but we are still lunch mates". Like OUCH. How rude too. I feel like he just led me on if he was just going to work things out with her. And on top of that, he told me they had been on and off for two years. Really?? How long is it going to take you to realize its not going to workout! People change, but not that much and especially in like a week's time. He said they argued all the time and its just probably not going to get resolved. I know I don't sound very optimistic for them, but us Caps are realistic. Plus he was a Virgo, we are like a perfect love match!! Haha. But really get a load. I don't even think shes that cute. So for him to break up with her, then go for me, then back to her is kind of an ego smack. Like I'm not arrogant or anything, but I know I'm cuter than her lol. I sound so high on myself. 
I also got my tragus pierced today, it did not hurt at all! Whoever tells you it hurts must have low pain tolerance! I probably am not going to clean it until I get home from work tomorrow just because I don't have any liquid Dial soap, which is usually pretty great for cleaning piercings, FYI.
Well I'm going to take my bruised heart and go to bed now. *sigh*:(

A Little Bit Stronger?

Well it seemed as though I was doing okay with the whole break up, until today something really triggered some emotional pain. The night my boyfriend and I broke up I got in a huge fight with my sister, and thats what caused me to go see him. Well today, it was like the same thing happening all over again, my sister and I got into a fight. And it just triggered all of this emotional turmoil. I had to leave and I cried the whole way to Spokane, I just had to get out of there. No matter how much I tell myself I am okay, I am really not. It just doesnt hurt for a bit, but the pain comes with a vengeance. I just want to be happy again, back when me and my ex were happy and now we are grumpy and broken up. So although I seem to be getting stronger and doing okay, I really cannot tell because when the sadness comes, it comes strong. 

sad days

Well last night my ex called me and said he wanted to meet up and talk about things. He decided that we should meet for dinner at Red Lobster. So my hopes are all up. I get dressed and do my makeup all pretty and I go with my highest hopes. We talk about things and at first it seems like we might get back together. I told him I would want to if he did and thats when he crushed my heart again. He told me he was trying to choose between dating me and being single and that being single is what he wants. So I am not sure why he called me to have me meet him only to crush my heart even more. He says hr doesnt think he wants to be broken up forever but honestly, I cannot wait around my entire life for him to maybe change his mind to date me again. My head cant even wrap around the fact that we are broken up, so the sadness comes in bursts. :'(

Makeup Haul!! Mac and UD

Okay, so lately I have been on some kind of odd makeup buying spree (don't ask) and I am almost positive this is going to increase now that my latest relationship has come to a sad close. Things I bought this month were: UD Starlight Glitter Body Art, UD Creme Highlight in Wicked, UD Lickable Body Powder in Marshmallow, UD Naked Skin in 3.5, UD Feminine Palette, UD Smoked Palette, Mac Pro Palette (15 empty), Mac All That Glitters Eyeshadow, and Mac Viva La Glam Nicki Minaj. WHOA. I know, I'm crazy lately. So first I will show pics and swatch everything:)

 
Okay so all of these pictures are completely out of order but I am so horrible at arranging them I can't do it lol. And some are missing!! UGH. I guess I will just start talking about all of them even though it is all SO MESSED UP!! So the glitter body art kit is super fun. There is a picture of what I put on my sister, the glitter sparrow. This would be fun for Halloween or going out or to a concert or something:) I got it for like $12 on UD's sale page!:) I dont know if I would pay full price for it but I got it for like half off so I would say it would be fun then. 
I already did a post about the UD Feminine palette, and I really do love it. I think I got it for $12 as well. The colors are very soft and pretty. The swatches I tried to upload did not work:(
Smoked Palette!! I have not got to experiment yet but I am looking forward to it. I am so glad there are other colors besides black so that people can know smokey eye does not always mean straight up BLACK!!
I got the mac pro palette and the eyeshadow so that I could de-pot my current UD eyeshadows that way they take up less space. All that Glitters is a very light and shimmery shade and I like it:)
Nicki Minaj Viva La Glam... Hmmm. It is so hard to describe!! It is really like a watermelony neon pink lol. That is how I interpret it. I dont exactly know it it would even look good on me, but I like Nicki and I like the idea of bright so I was like why not. 
NAKED SKIN OMFG, I LOVEEEE love love this foundation. I have never been able to find a foundation that works good on me, and matches good. This one is soo perfect for me. It is a light medium coverage and It is soo amazing. You would really have to try it yourself:)
I got the creme highlight on sale as well and it is nice and shimmery goodness for highlighting cheeks and anything else you want a little glam on:)
I know this is pretty much a waste of a post but I thought I would share with all of you my weird obsession with make up hahah

Fifty Shades.

All right. So I read the novel Fifty Shades of Grey. don't really know what to think about it. If you don't know what it is, its pretty much this girl meets this rich CEO and likes him, then turns out to be some kind of dominatrix S&M kinda guy who likes that kinda thing. I am actually really mad at the ending because now I have to read the second book. Plus, as some sort of sick joke the universe is playing on me, the end of the book is pretty much what is happening to me right now. But I don't want to say anything as some sort of spoiler and my life isn't EXACTLY the same but same circumstance. It wasn't greatly written, a fast read, and now I have to read the second one to see what happens. I mean it was not a bad book, but at the same time it was not the greatest I have ever read. I recommend if you are into exotic and kinky sex/love stories.

#heartbreak

Yesterday the most horrible thing happened. My love broke my heart:( I had hopes for our future and I had hoped all the hard life circumstances wouldn't tear us apart, but they apparently did. There is a huge long story behind all of it but it boils down to us being at two different points in our lives, which to me isn't a very good reason because its just like saying sorry it got hard, I quit. I have hope for the future but I don't know how long one can hope for. My heart is shattered and all I want to do is cry. I don't want to go through life wondering what could have been between us. I just wish we would not have ended so soon. :(((

Urban Decay: The Feminine Palette

So the other day when I ordered my Urban Decay Naked Skin, I saw that this palette, the Feminine Palette, was on sale! How can you pass up a palette sale!? Ya just can't. I will post what all the other junk I got later:). Like I said in an earlier post, I just LOVE urban decay! I will have to post pictures later too of the palette and such.
So I open the box and the palette itself has a nice iridescent sheen to it and the peacock feathers on it actually have a velvety, soft texture to them. So that was neat!
This is what comes with the palette: an eyeliner pencil in the color "zero", a travel matte primer potion, and the palette itself. The palette comes with these colors: stray dog, swf, Aquarius, midnight cowboy, ecstasy, and darkhorse.

I used the palette today and I loved it!! So fun to experiment with. 

So much yet so little

Well today was the start of the Olympic games. Well yesterday, but its past midnight now. The olympics are just such a grand event. For some reason grand events just get me all choked up lol. I feel like the whole world is on the same page, even if just for a minute. If only the world could get on the same page for other important topics. Or maybe someone should just stand up and be like this is how we have to do this and we are doing it whether you like it or not. Which of course would then be a dictator ship and that is totally not what anyone is going for! Anyway, totally wrong track here. 


I got my Urban Decay Naked Skin in the mail today, it is soo pretty:))) I can't wait to use it.. today.. when I go to work lol. Who needs sleep anymore anyway!? I love Urban Decay they are my favorite brand out there. I have tried Too Faced and their cosmetics dont stay on my face. The only thing I like from Stila is their "Glamour Eyes" mascara. Nars foundation is a bust. But Urban Decay... They are really quality andd they have this great attitude about them. I feel like they fit me really well. Haha random make up rant. 


Lately I just feel kind of depressed. Idk. Like all of this stress over moving and finding a job and having no one except my boyfriend to really talk about this kind of stuff and its really taking its toll on me. When I think about it I have to keep myself from crying. Is this really what I want to do? Is this the right choice for me? Its just hard. And its just piling and piling and piling on and I wonder when it will ever stop. My mom always tells me "life is tough" but really, is it going to be this hard for the rest of my life?? I just have so much to do and everyone is  telling me these days are so exciting and this should be the best time of my life and all I feel is stress coming from them too. Why arent I happy? Am I keeping myself from being happy? Or do I really have issues here. 


You tell me. Here is a list of stressors:
1. My family
2. My boyfriend
3. My job
4. Summer school
5. Passing the math test so I get my AA Degree and my credits transfer
6. Getting a job when I move
7. Who is my roommate?
8. My monthy payments to everyone
9. Leaving my family
10. Leaving my boyfriend
11. How do I keep myself from crying when I say goodbye? Or at least stay composed??
12. How can I do all of these things and still do well in my classes?
13. I have no friends. Will I make any in Montana?
14. What if I try so hard and dont get into pharm school???
I feel like there is more that I am forgetting. Ugh. Life. Again. I feel like all of my posts are about the same thing, but these things have taken over my life. 
And I didnt get to excersize today so I will be fat tomorrow. Awesome. I am so close to losing 5lbs so far and I just want to say I have so I can motivate myself more! Like I have lost five pounds I can lose five more! But Im not there yet. Sigh. Night yall.

Just a Little Poem I Wrote..

Sometimes I feel like a bird with a limp wing
and a broken beak, so I cannot sing.
And as the rest of the world passes by me,
I am stuck here in my grey and decaying tree.
Although my spirit is low,
and I have no where else to go,
I still have you,
and that is what keeps my skies blue.

What a Day

Well lots of things happened today. I worked, went to the YMCA to work out, ate at Froyo. Yep. At froyo I saw some of my dads running buddies so I hung out with them haha 40 year olds and an 18 year old.. alright. I dont really have much else to say. I got my pink trading card sleeves for my world of warcraft cards haha nerdddddddd.

This poem just really speaks to me. Dont let yourself be caged up in emotion, let yourself be weightless and free. If only I could take my own advice.

Just Thought I'd Say...

Sorry if some of this stuff I post seems stupid or irrelevant or offensive. I just need to get it out and I really don't have any friends to talk to about this. Thanks.

Life is Tough

So today started off as any other normal day. Got to work. Closing shift, AGAIN. FML right? Anyway. Get there and there is a beautiful note about how my last close job sucked and I need to do my job better. HA okay whatever. Maybe I should write you  notes about how you need to do YOUR job better. Manager from hell. So la di dah close and make a measly $20 in tips :( this just keeps getting better and better.


Then I head over to my boyfriens house. We were supposed to work out but he lost his running shoes. GO FIGURE. So its time for me to leave and we have a huge crying session again, considering my move in day is in exactly a month. Things involved in the crying session. 1. He isnt going to school with me next year. 2. I will be paying $500 dollars a month to people while in school. 3. He moved to Spokane. 


Lets address #1. So my bf told me the other day he didnt want to go to school in montana next year with me. And so I ask him why and he says "i feel like it is just a bad idea for me. Like I get a bad feeling about it." I am just sitting there trying to decipher what he means by this.  I dont get it. I feel like if he really loved me he would do anything to stay with me and be with me. And what is this bad feeling he has?? Does he think we wont work out? That we will end up breaking up? This kid is like a lead box and Im a cell phone trying to get service, I got nothing. I am trying to be strong but every time I think about leaving its just so hard, sometimes I dont even want to go. And NO my bf is not the only reason why. Which leads to..


#2. $500 a month I have to pay to different things while attending school, working, and trying to maintain a high GPA so I can even get into Pharmacy school! Ugh, sound like a lot on my plate? YA it IS. Lets break down this $500 a month in debt. $190 goes to my bank for my car loan. $100 goes to my parents for loaning me the extra money for the deficit my bank had involving the car loan. I only owe them 8 months of this so I have about 6 to go because they did defer a few months of payment for various reasons. And then about $190 again goes to my student loan payment. This one really pisses me off. The government decided that my parents make so much money a year that they can afford to spend $35000 extra dollars a year on my college education. And that they are so freaking rich that they can start affording the payments right away. Irritating in the most possible way is that my parents are NOT actually paying for it, I am. So screw you government. Honestly, I really think there should be a questionnaire involved with the FAFSA. Because since I am paying for this I should really be the one whos finances are considered and NOT my parents. 


3. My boyfriend moved to Spokane. Yes back to good ol Cody. HE used to live like 10 min away from me and just recently moved to Spokane. I feel like this put unnecessary stress on our relationship before it was really due. Like why couldn't he wait one more month to move rather than jump the gun and move all the sudden. Just another way to break my heart. 

July 24, 2012

Ugh. Sooo much going on in my life right now I just need to get it all out NOW. The first issue we are going to address is my psychopath mother. A few background details, I am 18 years old and graduated high school, and moving to Missoula in the fall to attend university. 


So the other day I was thinking about dying the very tips of my hair pink. I go and tell my mother this, hoping she will support me. Or at least something better than the reaction she gave me. I was told by my mom that I need to grow up. Of all things, to grow up. I am grown up. I dont see any five year olds out there dying their own hair pink. Okay these days, maybe. She seriously goes on for about five minutes about how I need to grow up and I am almost 19 and blah blah blah what kind of impression is this going to make on people, no one will talk to me, et cetera. First off, I dont care what people think of me. I am grown up so I can make this decision if I want. If no one talks to me because I have pink in my hair then society is even more messed up than I thought it was. I see grandmas with exotic colored hair these days. Like honestly Im in college... arent we supposed to be making these "mistakes". Plus, since it will be on the tips, I could just cut it off when I am done with the pink. Or because my hair is black, I could just re dye it, because black hair dye covers up EVERYTHING, a tip.. do not get it on your face you WILL regret it.


Another issue, when I move to Montana, my boyfriend will not be coming with me. I know lots of people think that you need to attend college single, but I dont want to end things with him. So long distance relationship it is. The official move in day is August 25. So that will be the day my heart is ripped in half. My last day seeing him could actually be before that, because we could be going over early. I cry at least once a week because I will be leaving him behind. I love him so much I cant stand to think of what it will be like to not see him at least every other day. I know we can make it through our time apart, but it will be very hard for me, especially at the beginning of all this. I hope he texts me everyday and webcams me too. The only thing I have right now is hope. I am hoping he will transfer spring semester to be with me. But he told me last week he did not want to go. I hope that me being gone will change his mind, because I want us to experience college together. And to be together. We have been together for a year and I want to be with him for many many more. This will test our relationship, so I hope we are strong enough together that we will not fall apart. What was the saying? Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I sure hope so. I love this kid and I want it to work so bad. If two people come together to make one relationship work, I would think that it definitely would. 


On a brighter side, I think I may get my tragus pierced tomorrow. We will see:)

Piercings I want!!

Right ear:
- Tragus
- Industrial
Left ear:
- Conch
- Triple forward helix
Other:
-Navel
-Nipples
-Tongue


yyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

My Trip to Yellowstone National Park, Day 5

Day 5

Checkout time was 10 so we had to get up early. Hmmm what was in store for the cheap hotel breakfast? Nothing good. Some dried out pastries and I got the last doughnut. We were definately going to McDonald's. We go up to McDonald's and it takes forever because someone forgot to pay. So much for being in a hurry. My mom wanted to go to the Buffalo Bill Museam thing, so we stop buy and then decide we weren't going to go in. Dumb. I wanted to go and see who this Buffalo Bill guy was really bad.

We leave Cody, where my mom is now convinced she wants to retire, and head back to Yellowstone. It takes forever to get back into the park. There was alot of traffic.

**Just posting this because its been a draft for three years